The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
