My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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