Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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