Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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