The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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