How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
