I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
