on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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