I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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