Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
