New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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