he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
