How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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