My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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