in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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