U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
