kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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