i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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