Just fell off a train. Bad.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
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Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
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Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.