i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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