I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
