Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
