allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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