Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
