when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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