If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
