I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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