I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
