If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
