The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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