I am puke
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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