mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
