is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
