Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I love you. Go after that dick
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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