he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
