Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
