she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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