Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
