thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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