I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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