I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
