i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
