I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
