she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
