someone get that fucking seahorse.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
