I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
