I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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