I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
