omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
