If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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