You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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