a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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