in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
