I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
