Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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