You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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