New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
if only i could text you this smell
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
