She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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