What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
