Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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