Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
